Help! I’m Turning into My Mom!

You swore you'd never yell at your children like your father. You knew you'd never put on weight like your mother. And yet here you are, hollering at the kids and snacking on doughnuts. You're turning into your parents -- even though you know some of their behaviors were harmful.

What gives? According to Texas psychologist Robert Aylmer, Ed.D., a family therapist, part of the problem is heredity.

"We know that any number of medical conditions and a surprising range of psychological conditions are genetic, including alcoholism, bipolar disorder and other diagnosable conditions. There are also identifying genes associated with risk-taking behavior. If you like bungee jumping and sky diving, it's probably in your DNA!"

Then, of course, parents teach their children to "be like them" -- and children imitate their parents. By age 5 or 6, we've adopted a whole system of behaviors that will feel natural for life.

We're often quite grateful for most of the behaviors and attitudes we inherit, of course. But in many American families, "Emotional maturity is defined by separateness," Dr. Aylmer says.

You can separate yourself from the unpleasant parts of your behavioral inheritance, experts say -- but it isn't easy.

The behaviorist approach

Florence Kaslow, Ph.D., a Florida family therapist and author, suggests that breaking a cycle of negative behavior is a lot like changing your tennis serve.

"If you go to learn a new serve in tennis," she explains, "you may know it works better. But you fall back on your old serve in a clinch. You have to make a conscious effort to use new behavior until your body and mind become accustomed to the new motion."

For example, if you're trying to avoid your mom's weight problem, you'll need an arsenal of options to replace snacking on fatty foods -- going for a walk or eating a low-fat snack, for instance. Then, you must practice the new behavior over and over, reminding yourself why it's better. "You have to be careful not to fall back on rationalization, saying 'That's what I learned in my family, I didn't learn about fruits.' You can learn it now!" says Dr. Kaslow.

Often, we fall back on patterns like yelling at the kids out of a subconscious loyalty to parents. After all, they taught us to do things their way -- they may feel betrayed if we change.

The trick, she says, is to individualize each situation -- to recognize that, as an adult, you have the power to make choices. "It's about becoming one's own master or mistress, picking and choosing, and recognizing that not everyone has to accept your choice."

The family therapy approach

For Dr. Aylmer, changing behaviors is not as powerful as changing relationships -- to ourselves and to our parents.

"We all leave our families with unfinished business that has a lot of emotional content and was never talked about, explained or understood. So if you're in a situation that reminds you of your growing-up time, you'll react in the same way automatically," he says.

If acting like one of your parents frustrates you, Dr. Aylmer suggests that you get to the root of the behavior. "The emotional experience that you had as a child is stored inside of you. When you're in the same situation as an adult, then that whole package just comes out of you like a candy bar from a vending machine. The antidote is to reduce the candy bar down to its ingredients. You have to deconstruct the original emotional package that you experienced with your family."

Dr. Aylmer suggests asking your parents about their younger days. The more you learn about their history and motivations, the less likely it is that you'll be trapped in an automatic emotional reflex.

"It's not about healing old wounds," he says. "It's just finding out some emotional facts about your own parents' history. It's probably the single most useful emotional repair that anybody can do."

Do You Need Help?

Most concerns about acting like your parents can be handled without formal therapy. In these situations, however, it may be wise to consult a professional:

• A traumatic emotional or behavioral history (alcoholism, domestic abuse)

• An inability to stop yourself from re-enacting problem behaviors learned in childhood

• Any sign that your behavior is out of control and dangerous (you're hitting your child or throwing things at your partner)

• Physical or emotional symptoms that interfere with your life (sleeplessness, overeating)